Why do I care? I don't know.. but make it stop.

It was 7:55 in the morning.. I had already been at work for about 15 minutes.. and then she drove up. It was married guy and his wife, she was bringing him to work. Just the sight of her make me cringe. Not only does my skin ever so slightly begin to crawl with guilt, but along with that comes this somewhat innate feeling of disgust with myself. As if it were always there, but only occasionally rises to the surface for my discovery. I was able to see that plain and clear this morning... However, this feeling of disgust is not only with myself. I know the things I did were wrong, stupid and inconsiderate, and as many excuses as I would like to make for my actions.. I cannot overlook the fact that I was WRONG, it was a mistake and I regret it. But, I wasn't the only participant you know.. I was only looking in from the outside, and going with what I was being told. As naive as that seems, I can't go through life suspecting that every person is lying to me about something.. I chose to believe him, and I may never know if he was truthful with me or not, or if they were even having an. But I didn't have to see her everyday, I didn't have to look her in the face, and in her eyes, and sleep next to her every night and play along as if everything was fine and dandy sweet as candy..

He did that. He spent "time"with me, then went home and slept in the bed with her every night.. I didn't have that reminder staring me in the face everyday. Not that it makes me any better than him.. but still...I wouldn't have been able to take it as far as I did if I was in the same position that he was, a daily reminder that he was a liar, both to himself and to his wife.

They drive up and get out of the car, he gives her a little kiss goodbye, I cringe, he comes in.. she gets in the car to drive away, but wait.. she just HAS to come in doesn't she, she forgot to say or give him something.... I sit there thinking "I did this to myself, I knew I would have to interact with her at some point, it's my fault" I just want to scream "I fucked him! we fooled around for months! He is a cheat! How can you not see it!!!" But I hold back.. I greet her as I would any other person that came through the door, with a smile.. I turn away and poof. My day is officially ruined.. I wish that stuff like that wouldn't get to me but it does.. I am completely interested in someone else.. yet I am irritated that she is with him. Mainly because I think she should have been able to somehow know he was being dishonest and bust his ass. Then leave him so he can realize how shitty he really was!

She just drove up again, but he went outside before she had a chance to come in. He is taking her to the Airport... that didn't take very long.. he is back. I wonder where she is going/ how long she will be gone. Had we been in the middle of what I like to refer to as our "relationship" this would have been a perfect opportunity for us to spend some time together. I wonder if he has thought about that... Why do I have to hold on to these things.. it only makes my life that much more frustrating.....