Recently, a friend of mine directed me to a website that does a "free translation" for you. For example: I wanted to translate "I know spanish, I just like to act like I don't to confuse you" from english to spanish. You type it in, and get your translation (I got my 'fluent in spanish' cousin to translate it for me first, before I knew about this site). After being directed to this site, I decided to translate some things. I typed in "I am Lonely" and I got "Estoy solitario". Now, I know enough spanish to get by, or know when someone is talking about me, and what I got from this translation was "I am solitary" or "alone".... Not "LONELY"... I felt insulted at first that the miracle translating website was using the word "solitary" in some rude way to make me, once again, doubt my current relationship status.
When I think of the word "solitary" I think of "solitary confinement", which would mean "the confinement of a prisoner in a cell or other place in which he or she is completely isolated from others". I said LONELY people! Not COMPLETELY alone! After getting somewhat oddly frustrated with my "free translation", I read the small print. Apparently, this was just a "Gisted Translation" providing a "basic understanding of the original text". So, "Basically" I am "solitary". haha.. I remain somewhat disturbed by my lonely translation..
Moving on.....I almost died yesterday morning. There I was, 6 in the morning, walking down my stairs with 2 dogs, and I slipped, or tripped or some way lost my balance and down I went. Granted, I caught myself after only a few steps. But, not before twisting my ankle, and bruising my shin and arm. The whole right side of my body continues to ache. Lovely way to start your day, is it not? Not to mention the fact that I have been having a weird, 'one side of my head' ache, episode that keeps coming back. It first awakened me from a dead sleep on Sat night, after which I had to go and sleep on the couch. Because, sitting up was the only way it would ease up a little bit. Sunday was ok, with no major headache episodes to record. However, yesterday on my way home it happened again. I was sitting there, in traffic, in the rain, and all of a sudden major pain in the left side of my head/face, somewhat like sinus pressure. After almost an hour of "self massage" it went away. But for a few minutes there I felt like I was going to puke from the pain, and was almost tempted to pull over. Which would have done me no good, considering it was rush hour traffic, and pouring down rain....
I made it home, and survived.. and I have felt better since. Now I am going to go fix me somethign to eat for "lunch"....
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Coffee makes me feel skinny
Why is it that when I drink large amounts of coffee, I feel so skinny! Also contributing to this feeling could be the fact that I haven't eaten breakfast OR lunch.. and the large amounts of caffeine/sugar from the coffee is making my body feel like I am so hyped up I could run a marathon.
Do people actually get hyped up to run marathons? I wouldn't know, never been much of a marathon runner myself.
Anyways, I am very satisfied by this feeling of being underweight that I have right now, considering especially that after scarfing down a huge Mexican meal for dinner, I felt the complete opposite. Which is the feeling I usually have the majority of the time..
Ok, moving on.. An update on New guy.. He called. Contrary to all of the "if he doesn't call, it means he isn't interested" talk and suspicions I was reading. Yes, I googled "he hasn't called"..Sad, I know. Now, had he known THAT, he really wouldn't have called. Oh, that summoned a laugh from deep within my soul that sounded in my head just slightly evil, but mostly just satisfied. Apparently, New guy is just busy, just as I had hoped. I am also pretty sure that he is fighting back to the whole "you are expected to call" idea. Being one that does not like being told what he can/cannot do, he just didn't want to call because it was expected of him, and he wanted to prove to himself that is was not a requirement, but rather some sort of courtesy. Now I have to ask myself, do I WANT a phone call from a guy that would resist calling me to to prove a point to his stubborn self that he doesn't HAVE to call me? OF COURSE I DO!
I was reading how it can be healthy to imagine off the wall scenarios to help you create a false understanding of certain situations. It helps you to believe something that makes dealing with the situation easier.
For example, rather than thinking of him hanging out with his buddies, and thinking nothing at all about me (which is not what he was doing by the way, I will get to that), I'd rather imagine it was a "no other choice" situation. Such as...It took all of his strength not to call me, he yearned to simply hear the sound of my voice, which would then stir up memories of my sweet smelling perfume and our most intimate moments, but he had been threatened, to test his strength (for whatever reason, this scenario is adaptable to most situations), and prove himself worthy of telecommunicating with me, he had to prove that he could withhold from contacting me (in any form apparently) for 5days. If he failed, an entire litter of the most adorable puppies you have every seen in your life would be tossed into an alligator pit, of which you can only imagine the gruesome outcome. How could I expect him to compromise the lives of such creatures? When in fact, I admire this act of humanity on his part. He is a hero! He didn't even mention the puppies at all when he called either, because, I am sure he just didn't want to brag..
See!! It does help. I am still thinking about those damn puppies!! :)
In reality, it is not as exciting (which is the point of creating the scenario in the first place). He worked half of the weekend, and spent the other half in what he referred to as "me time". Of which included various activities that I got bored with hearing after the first few minutes. Because the whole time I was thinking 'THAT was better than talking to me?' Yikes.. Although I understand the idea of me time, I think lately I have been having "god damn enough of just ME!" time.. So I am not really relating to his situation.
As I am talking to him, on the phone, for the 1st time in 5 days, 2 of which were the weekend. He is playing a video game. I was so impressed with his ability to concentrate on killing and talking to me at the same time. I felt I enjoyed a beautiful co-existence with the Xbox 360. His concentration WAS very impressive, giving exception to the random "mother f**ker!" and "oh my god I just blew up that jeep with a guy in it! with a grenade!" it was a pretty progressive conversation. At one point I asked him if he leaned with the controller (which is something I find myself doing when I play video games), to which he replied "no! real gamers don't lean". Oh my god, he just referred to himself as a "real gamer". My instant response was a very loud laugh followed by a "did you just call yourself a 'real gamer'?" comment, with a "that was a good one" tone of voice. He said "yea, what's wrong with that?". Gulp. He is a funny guy, I thought it was a joke, it wasn't.
He doesn't really fit the "gamer" persona. So I think I can handle it. We are supposed to get together, either tonight or tomorrow. I am hoping tonight, since I am having a skinny feeling day, I wouldn't mind some male attention.
Moral of this blog: Sometimes it's ok if he doesn't call. He might be saving puppies.
Do people actually get hyped up to run marathons? I wouldn't know, never been much of a marathon runner myself.
Anyways, I am very satisfied by this feeling of being underweight that I have right now, considering especially that after scarfing down a huge Mexican meal for dinner, I felt the complete opposite. Which is the feeling I usually have the majority of the time..
Ok, moving on.. An update on New guy.. He called. Contrary to all of the "if he doesn't call, it means he isn't interested" talk and suspicions I was reading. Yes, I googled "he hasn't called"..Sad, I know. Now, had he known THAT, he really wouldn't have called. Oh, that summoned a laugh from deep within my soul that sounded in my head just slightly evil, but mostly just satisfied. Apparently, New guy is just busy, just as I had hoped. I am also pretty sure that he is fighting back to the whole "you are expected to call" idea. Being one that does not like being told what he can/cannot do, he just didn't want to call because it was expected of him, and he wanted to prove to himself that is was not a requirement, but rather some sort of courtesy. Now I have to ask myself, do I WANT a phone call from a guy that would resist calling me to to prove a point to his stubborn self that he doesn't HAVE to call me? OF COURSE I DO!
I was reading how it can be healthy to imagine off the wall scenarios to help you create a false understanding of certain situations. It helps you to believe something that makes dealing with the situation easier.
For example, rather than thinking of him hanging out with his buddies, and thinking nothing at all about me (which is not what he was doing by the way, I will get to that), I'd rather imagine it was a "no other choice" situation. Such as...It took all of his strength not to call me, he yearned to simply hear the sound of my voice, which would then stir up memories of my sweet smelling perfume and our most intimate moments, but he had been threatened, to test his strength (for whatever reason, this scenario is adaptable to most situations), and prove himself worthy of telecommunicating with me, he had to prove that he could withhold from contacting me (in any form apparently) for 5days. If he failed, an entire litter of the most adorable puppies you have every seen in your life would be tossed into an alligator pit, of which you can only imagine the gruesome outcome. How could I expect him to compromise the lives of such creatures? When in fact, I admire this act of humanity on his part. He is a hero! He didn't even mention the puppies at all when he called either, because, I am sure he just didn't want to brag..
See!! It does help. I am still thinking about those damn puppies!! :)
In reality, it is not as exciting (which is the point of creating the scenario in the first place). He worked half of the weekend, and spent the other half in what he referred to as "me time". Of which included various activities that I got bored with hearing after the first few minutes. Because the whole time I was thinking 'THAT was better than talking to me?' Yikes.. Although I understand the idea of me time, I think lately I have been having "god damn enough of just ME!" time.. So I am not really relating to his situation.
As I am talking to him, on the phone, for the 1st time in 5 days, 2 of which were the weekend. He is playing a video game. I was so impressed with his ability to concentrate on killing and talking to me at the same time. I felt I enjoyed a beautiful co-existence with the Xbox 360. His concentration WAS very impressive, giving exception to the random "mother f**ker!" and "oh my god I just blew up that jeep with a guy in it! with a grenade!" it was a pretty progressive conversation. At one point I asked him if he leaned with the controller (which is something I find myself doing when I play video games), to which he replied "no! real gamers don't lean". Oh my god, he just referred to himself as a "real gamer". My instant response was a very loud laugh followed by a "did you just call yourself a 'real gamer'?" comment, with a "that was a good one" tone of voice. He said "yea, what's wrong with that?". Gulp. He is a funny guy, I thought it was a joke, it wasn't.
He doesn't really fit the "gamer" persona. So I think I can handle it. We are supposed to get together, either tonight or tomorrow. I am hoping tonight, since I am having a skinny feeling day, I wouldn't mind some male attention.
Moral of this blog: Sometimes it's ok if he doesn't call. He might be saving puppies.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Another and another....
"So, don't worry about it... just let things play out."
While I try to convince myself daily of the statement above, I do not always succeed. Considering also, the fact that I tend to disect my relationships. I suppose subconsciencly I am thinking "well, I should at least learn something from this excuse of a love life." I do not always learn something. Often times I walk away wondering "what just happened there?", which is usually followed by a phone call or a panicy e-mail to my best friend, asking for her ever-so-wise advice on what I am doing wrong with my life, and asking for a step by step guide on how to fix it.
Fortunately for me, she is awesome about simply pointing me in the right direction (or kicking/shoving, whatever) . So that I can feel like a big girl when I make the right decision, and like it was all my idea. However, I would be quite lost without her. Here is a little update on me and my life. I will follow up with details and advise shortly, but for now, here is something to nibble on.
I was married, for 4 years (the last of which was spent separated). The divorce is almost final. Unfortunately I STILL have hold backs on that one...
Right before I separated from my ex, I met a guy, for purposes of identification we will call him "C", which is what my best friend and I referred to him as during the time when I was discussing him with her often.. "C" standing for Crush.. We became great friends, and I had a HUGE crush on him. One thing led to another with us.. Lets just say, nearly a year has gone by, and we had our "thing"... he ended up dating my good friend (yea... urk.) .. they were/are split... and now I do not see/talk (or basically communicate with him in anyway) anymore.. thank god.
Next, oh yes... this one was the best of them all I do believe.. Married guy!.. "WHAT AN IDIOT I AM!!!" I do recall repeating that phrase to myself quite often during our 'relationship'.... But there was just something about him that I seemed to crave...
Here are a few of the details.
1. He's married
2. I work with him (and he is about 3rd highest in rank in our department)
Ok, so there are really only two details. Is that not enough??? Did I mention he was MARRIED! and that he works with me!! What was I thinking?? I compromised my position both as an employee with our company and as a morally decent human being! Oh, and I promise you, if you saw him you would say "really? him?" because while he is not unattractive.. he is no "McDreamy" either.. Perhaps it was the attention, after all he was great at making me feel like I was the most awesome thing ever! (which I must say, I never disagreed with.. :) His way with words was like nothing I had ever dealt with before, maybe he just had more experience than guys I had pursued previously, considering also that he is 14 years older than me.. and perhaps that made it that much easier for him to suck me in. In the beginning I fought it soooo hard! He was such a smooth talker. Now, looking back, I cannot believe I fell for it! He was "unhappy in his marriage" and I was more "sexually compatable". However, he hadn't even informed his wife of his "unhappiness", and they had only been married for about 2 1/2 years.... I told him he needed to talk to her about it, so that she could at least be aware of how he was feeling, and so that he could see if anything would change. Eventually he did have the "talk" with her, but not before we had pursued a "more than friends" relationship, and had developed both a sexual and emotional relationship. He had the nerve to tell me he loved me! Of course, I responded back with the same, but still... I felt like I had been dooped. After he had the talk with his wife, (which by the way did not include him telling about his extramarital activities) he said that he was going to "try" with his marriage.. and he had the nerve to tell me, that although he is going to stay with his wife (that probably wouldn't stay w/him if she knew the truth...), if I wasn't "emotionally involved" (just as he had CLAIMED to be..) he could justify having sex with me for years. Well, isn't that just a wonderful thing to hear. Still, after all of that, we did meet up a couple of times for some oral encounters. Sorry if that was too graphic for you. But as it turns out, we are both 'givers'... and he is a GRRREAT giver... ;)
I still feel horrible about it all. Having to face her is the hardest thing. Being that we work together, I had met her previously, and we had visited briefly at a company dinner. She comes into the office on occasion, to go to lunch with him & what not. I don't exactly feel guilty when I see her, it's more of a frustration, or irritation with the fact that she couldn't catch him in his lies. I was mad that she couldn't figure it out and bust his ass. Because I was mad at him for all of the lies. Anyways, I am still somewhat captivated by him, he made such a fuss about how attracted he was to me.. It definitely did make me feel great. I still catch him checking me out.. That poor woman, she may never know.
Ok, now to Current... We will refer to him as 'New Guy' because that's what my friend and I refer to him as... He is about my age, (three years older) and I have known him for about a year, through work. He works in another department, so I don't see him too often. He is nice, sweet and funny.. Funny, that's the best quality.. Worst quality? Busy.. He works constantly! Which is a good thing I suppose.. The alternate making him a slacker. He was nervous to ask me out at first, since we work together and all. But when I realised his interest, I told him to give me a call. He did, and since we have talked on the phone quite often, and we have "gotten together" twice. Yes, sexually... The last time we got together was Saturday a week ago. Today is Monday. Last week I hadn't heard from him for a couple of days so I called him on Wednesday, we talked for almost an hour, everything seemed normal, we talked about us getting together again, etc.. Then I don't hear from him for 4 days.. (I know that he had to work the weekend, and he told me in the beginning that he is a very busy guy...) So last night I decide to ring him up, he doesn't answer.. So I leave a very casual "just thought I'd say hey" voicemail. He didn't call back.
I saw him in the office this morning, and said "good morning" to which he said the same. But he would not look directly at me, he did not make eye contact, and he sort of held his head down. Oh well I say, we'll see how this week goes on that one. Perhaps he is just not interested, it could be that it is just that simple...
While I try to convince myself daily of the statement above, I do not always succeed. Considering also, the fact that I tend to disect my relationships. I suppose subconsciencly I am thinking "well, I should at least learn something from this excuse of a love life." I do not always learn something. Often times I walk away wondering "what just happened there?", which is usually followed by a phone call or a panicy e-mail to my best friend, asking for her ever-so-wise advice on what I am doing wrong with my life, and asking for a step by step guide on how to fix it.
Fortunately for me, she is awesome about simply pointing me in the right direction (or kicking/shoving, whatever) . So that I can feel like a big girl when I make the right decision, and like it was all my idea. However, I would be quite lost without her. Here is a little update on me and my life. I will follow up with details and advise shortly, but for now, here is something to nibble on.
I was married, for 4 years (the last of which was spent separated). The divorce is almost final. Unfortunately I STILL have hold backs on that one...
Right before I separated from my ex, I met a guy, for purposes of identification we will call him "C", which is what my best friend and I referred to him as during the time when I was discussing him with her often.. "C" standing for Crush.. We became great friends, and I had a HUGE crush on him. One thing led to another with us.. Lets just say, nearly a year has gone by, and we had our "thing"... he ended up dating my good friend (yea... urk.) .. they were/are split... and now I do not see/talk (or basically communicate with him in anyway) anymore.. thank god.
Next, oh yes... this one was the best of them all I do believe.. Married guy!.. "WHAT AN IDIOT I AM!!!" I do recall repeating that phrase to myself quite often during our 'relationship'.... But there was just something about him that I seemed to crave...
Here are a few of the details.
1. He's married
2. I work with him (and he is about 3rd highest in rank in our department)
Ok, so there are really only two details. Is that not enough??? Did I mention he was MARRIED! and that he works with me!! What was I thinking?? I compromised my position both as an employee with our company and as a morally decent human being! Oh, and I promise you, if you saw him you would say "really? him?" because while he is not unattractive.. he is no "McDreamy" either.. Perhaps it was the attention, after all he was great at making me feel like I was the most awesome thing ever! (which I must say, I never disagreed with.. :) His way with words was like nothing I had ever dealt with before, maybe he just had more experience than guys I had pursued previously, considering also that he is 14 years older than me.. and perhaps that made it that much easier for him to suck me in. In the beginning I fought it soooo hard! He was such a smooth talker. Now, looking back, I cannot believe I fell for it! He was "unhappy in his marriage" and I was more "sexually compatable". However, he hadn't even informed his wife of his "unhappiness", and they had only been married for about 2 1/2 years.... I told him he needed to talk to her about it, so that she could at least be aware of how he was feeling, and so that he could see if anything would change. Eventually he did have the "talk" with her, but not before we had pursued a "more than friends" relationship, and had developed both a sexual and emotional relationship. He had the nerve to tell me he loved me! Of course, I responded back with the same, but still... I felt like I had been dooped. After he had the talk with his wife, (which by the way did not include him telling about his extramarital activities) he said that he was going to "try" with his marriage.. and he had the nerve to tell me, that although he is going to stay with his wife (that probably wouldn't stay w/him if she knew the truth...), if I wasn't "emotionally involved" (just as he had CLAIMED to be..) he could justify having sex with me for years. Well, isn't that just a wonderful thing to hear. Still, after all of that, we did meet up a couple of times for some oral encounters. Sorry if that was too graphic for you. But as it turns out, we are both 'givers'... and he is a GRRREAT giver... ;)
I still feel horrible about it all. Having to face her is the hardest thing. Being that we work together, I had met her previously, and we had visited briefly at a company dinner. She comes into the office on occasion, to go to lunch with him & what not. I don't exactly feel guilty when I see her, it's more of a frustration, or irritation with the fact that she couldn't catch him in his lies. I was mad that she couldn't figure it out and bust his ass. Because I was mad at him for all of the lies. Anyways, I am still somewhat captivated by him, he made such a fuss about how attracted he was to me.. It definitely did make me feel great. I still catch him checking me out.. That poor woman, she may never know.
Ok, now to Current... We will refer to him as 'New Guy' because that's what my friend and I refer to him as... He is about my age, (three years older) and I have known him for about a year, through work. He works in another department, so I don't see him too often. He is nice, sweet and funny.. Funny, that's the best quality.. Worst quality? Busy.. He works constantly! Which is a good thing I suppose.. The alternate making him a slacker. He was nervous to ask me out at first, since we work together and all. But when I realised his interest, I told him to give me a call. He did, and since we have talked on the phone quite often, and we have "gotten together" twice. Yes, sexually... The last time we got together was Saturday a week ago. Today is Monday. Last week I hadn't heard from him for a couple of days so I called him on Wednesday, we talked for almost an hour, everything seemed normal, we talked about us getting together again, etc.. Then I don't hear from him for 4 days.. (I know that he had to work the weekend, and he told me in the beginning that he is a very busy guy...) So last night I decide to ring him up, he doesn't answer.. So I leave a very casual "just thought I'd say hey" voicemail. He didn't call back.
I saw him in the office this morning, and said "good morning" to which he said the same. But he would not look directly at me, he did not make eye contact, and he sort of held his head down. Oh well I say, we'll see how this week goes on that one. Perhaps he is just not interested, it could be that it is just that simple...
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