Another and another....

"So, don't worry about it... just let things play out."

While I try to convince myself daily of the statement above, I do not always succeed. Considering also, the fact that I tend to disect my relationships. I suppose subconsciencly I am thinking "well, I should at least learn something from this excuse of a love life." I do not always learn something. Often times I walk away wondering "what just happened there?", which is usually followed by a phone call or a panicy e-mail to my best friend, asking for her ever-so-wise advice on what I am doing wrong with my life, and asking for a step by step guide on how to fix it.

Fortunately for me, she is awesome about simply pointing me in the right direction (or kicking/shoving, whatever) . So that I can feel like a big girl when I make the right decision, and like it was all my idea. However, I would be quite lost without her. Here is a little update on me and my life. I will follow up with details and advise shortly, but for now, here is something to nibble on.

I was married, for 4 years (the last of which was spent separated). The divorce is almost final. Unfortunately I STILL have hold backs on that one...

Right before I separated from my ex, I met a guy, for purposes of identification we will call him "C", which is what my best friend and I referred to him as during the time when I was discussing him with her often.. "C" standing for Crush.. We became great friends, and I had a HUGE crush on him. One thing led to another with us.. Lets just say, nearly a year has gone by, and we had our "thing"... he ended up dating my good friend (yea... urk.) .. they were/are split... and now I do not see/talk (or basically communicate with him in anyway) anymore.. thank god.

Next, oh yes... this one was the best of them all I do believe.. Married guy!.. "WHAT AN IDIOT I AM!!!" I do recall repeating that phrase to myself quite often during our 'relationship'.... But there was just something about him that I seemed to crave...

Here are a few of the details.

1. He's married
2. I work with him (and he is about 3rd highest in rank in our department)

Ok, so there are really only two details. Is that not enough??? Did I mention he was MARRIED! and that he works with me!! What was I thinking?? I compromised my position both as an employee with our company and as a morally decent human being! Oh, and I promise you, if you saw him you would say "really? him?" because while he is not unattractive.. he is no "McDreamy" either.. Perhaps it was the attention, after all he was great at making me feel like I was the most awesome thing ever! (which I must say, I never disagreed with.. :) His way with words was like nothing I had ever dealt with before, maybe he just had more experience than guys I had pursued previously, considering also that he is 14 years older than me.. and perhaps that made it that much easier for him to suck me in. In the beginning I fought it soooo hard! He was such a smooth talker. Now, looking back, I cannot believe I fell for it! He was "unhappy in his marriage" and I was more "sexually compatable". However, he hadn't even informed his wife of his "unhappiness", and they had only been married for about 2 1/2 years.... I told him he needed to talk to her about it, so that she could at least be aware of how he was feeling, and so that he could see if anything would change. Eventually he did have the "talk" with her, but not before we had pursued a "more than friends" relationship, and had developed both a sexual and emotional relationship. He had the nerve to tell me he loved me! Of course, I responded back with the same, but still... I felt like I had been dooped. After he had the talk with his wife, (which by the way did not include him telling about his extramarital activities) he said that he was going to "try" with his marriage.. and he had the nerve to tell me, that although he is going to stay with his wife (that probably wouldn't stay w/him if she knew the truth...), if I wasn't "emotionally involved" (just as he had CLAIMED to be..) he could justify having sex with me for years. Well, isn't that just a wonderful thing to hear. Still, after all of that, we did meet up a couple of times for some oral encounters. Sorry if that was too graphic for you. But as it turns out, we are both 'givers'... and he is a GRRREAT giver... ;)

I still feel horrible about it all. Having to face her is the hardest thing. Being that we work together, I had met her previously, and we had visited briefly at a company dinner. She comes into the office on occasion, to go to lunch with him & what not. I don't exactly feel guilty when I see her, it's more of a frustration, or irritation with the fact that she couldn't catch him in his lies. I was mad that she couldn't figure it out and bust his ass. Because I was mad at him for all of the lies. Anyways, I am still somewhat captivated by him, he made such a fuss about how attracted he was to me.. It definitely did make me feel great. I still catch him checking me out.. That poor woman, she may never know.

Ok, now to Current... We will refer to him as 'New Guy' because that's what my friend and I refer to him as... He is about my age, (three years older) and I have known him for about a year, through work. He works in another department, so I don't see him too often. He is nice, sweet and funny.. Funny, that's the best quality.. Worst quality? Busy.. He works constantly! Which is a good thing I suppose.. The alternate making him a slacker. He was nervous to ask me out at first, since we work together and all. But when I realised his interest, I told him to give me a call. He did, and since we have talked on the phone quite often, and we have "gotten together" twice. Yes, sexually... The last time we got together was Saturday a week ago. Today is Monday. Last week I hadn't heard from him for a couple of days so I called him on Wednesday, we talked for almost an hour, everything seemed normal, we talked about us getting together again, etc.. Then I don't hear from him for 4 days.. (I know that he had to work the weekend, and he told me in the beginning that he is a very busy guy...) So last night I decide to ring him up, he doesn't answer.. So I leave a very casual "just thought I'd say hey" voicemail. He didn't call back.

I saw him in the office this morning, and said "good morning" to which he said the same. But he would not look directly at me, he did not make eye contact, and he sort of held his head down. Oh well I say, we'll see how this week goes on that one. Perhaps he is just not interested, it could be that it is just that simple...